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-11-
The
Marriage Ring
This duty, which, though for reasons we shall consider in due place, is especially enjoined on the husband, belongs equally to the wife. It must be mutual, or there can be no happiness; none for the party which does not love; for how dreadful the idea of being chained for life to an individual for whom we have no affection; to be almost ever in the company of a person from whom we are driven back by revulsion, yet driven back upon a bond which prevents all separation and escape. Nor can there be any happiness for the party that does love; such an unrequited affection must soon expire, or live only to consume that wretched heart in which it burns.
A married couple without mutual regard is one of the most pitiable spectacles on earth. They cannot, and indeed, in ordinary circumstances, ought not to separate, and yet they remain united only to be a torment to each other. They serve one important purpose, however, in the history of mankind, and that is, to be a beacon to all who are yet disengaged, to warn them against the sin and folly of forming this union, upon any other basis than that of a pure and mutual attachment; and to admonish all that are united to watch with most assiduous vigilance their mutual regard, that nothing be allowed to damp the sacred flame. As the union should be formed on the basis of love, so should great care be taken, especially in the early states of it, that nothing might arise to unsettle or loosen our attachments. Whatever knowledge we may obtain of each other's tastes and habits before marriage, it is neither so accurate, so comprehensive, nor so impressive, as that which we acquire by living together; and it is of prodigious consequence, that when little defects are first noticed, and trivial faults and oppositions first occur, they should not be allowed to produce an unfavorable impression upon the mind.
Man and wife are equally concerned to avoid all offences of each other in the beginning of their conversation. Every little thing can blast an infant blossom; and the breath of the south can shake the little rings of the vine, when first they begin to curl like the locks of a new-weaned boy; but when by age and consolidation they stiffen into the hardness of a stem, and have, by the warm rays of the sun and the kisses of Heaven, brought forth their clusters, they can endure the storms of the north and the loud noises of a tempest, and yet never be broken. So are the early unions of an unfixed marriage; watchful and observant, jealous and busy, inquisitive and careful, and apt to take alarm at every unkind word.
For infirmities do not manifest themselves in the first scenes, but in the succession of a long society; and it is not chance or weakness when it appears at first, but it is want of love or prudence, or it will be so expounded; and that which appears ill at first usually affrights the inexperienced man or woman, who makes unequal conjectures and fancies mighty sorrows by the proportions of the new and early unkindness.
It is a very great passion, or a huge folly, or a certain want of love, that cannot preserve the colors and beauties of kindness, so long as public honesty requires a man to wear their sorrows for the death of a friend. Plutarch compares a new marriage to a vessel before the hoops are on; everything dissolves its tender compaginations; but when the joints are stiffened and are tied by a firm compliance and proportioned bending, scarcely can it be dissolved without fire or the violence of iron. After the hearts of the man and the wife are endeared and hardened by a mutual confidence and experience, longer than artifice and pretence can last, there are a great many remembrances, and some things present, that dash all little unkindnesses in pieces.
Let man and wife be careful to stifle little things, that, as fast as they spring, they be cut down and trod upon; for if they be suffered to grow by numbers, they make the spirit peevish and the society troublesome, and the affections loose and uneasy by an habitual aversion.
Some men are more vexed with a fly than with a wound; and when the gnats disturb our sleep, and the reason is disquieted, but not perfectly awakened, it is often seen that he is fuller of trouble than if, in the daylight of his reason, he were to contest with a potent enemy. In the frequent little accidents of a family, a man's reason cannot always be awake; and when his discourses are imperfect, and a trifling trouble makes him yet more restless, he is soon betrayed to the violence of passion. It is certain that the man or woman are in a state of weakness and folly then, when they can be troubled with a trifling accident; and therefore it is not good to tempt their affections when they are in that state of danger.
In this case the caution is to subtract fuel from the sudden flame; for stubble, though t be quickly kindled, yet it is as soon extinguished, if it be not blown by a pertinacious breath, or fed with new materials. Add no new provocations to the accident, and do not inflame this, and peace will soon return, and the discontent will pass away soon, as the sparks from the collision of a flint; ever remembering that discontents, proceeding from daily little things do breed a secret undiscernible disease, which is more dangerous than a fever proceeding from a discerned notorious surfeit.
If they would preserve love, let them be sure to study most accurately each other's tastes and distastes, and most anxiously abstain from what-ever, even in the minutest things, they know to be contrary to them. The ancients, in their conjugal allegories, used to represent Mercury standing by Venus, to signify that by fair language and sweet entreaties, the minds of each other should be united.
If they would preserve love, let them most carefully avoid all curious and frequently repeated distinctions of mine and thine; for this hath caused all the laws, and all the suits, and all the wars in the world; let them who have but one person, have also but one interest. Instances may occur in which there may and must be a separate investiture of property, and a sovereign independent right of disposal in the woman. In this case, the most anxious care should be taken by the husband not to attempt to invade that right, and by the wife, neither ostentatiously to speak of it, nor rigidly to claim it, nor selfishly to exercise it.