To Mock a Fundamentalist
Wait a moment Mr. Fundy
Youíve got my Bible!
Whatíd you bring on Sunday?
Whoíll hold you libel?
Say, arenít you quite ashamed
To carry that around --
The book which you have blamed,
The Word which canít be found?
Have you corrected that one?
Is it the best youíve got?
Perchance if someone sees it,
Could he in error rot?
I wonder Mr. Fundy,
Your Bible looks quite new!
Why donít you bring on Sunday,
A parchment to your pew?
And add to that a pen knife,
And white-out quite enough
To right the errors that are rife
To smooth out what is rough.
What did you bring to church today?
Did you bring a disclaimer?
To further warn without dismay,
To be a real proclaimer?
What does it matter if in hand
You only have confusion,
If in head you understand
You have the real revision?
By Timothy Dwight Fellows, Jr.
dedicated to my Alma Mater, Bob
Jones University, which inspired
its writing, line upon line, and
precept upon precept,
here a little, and there a little.
A critique of the preceding poem
verse one --
When it all boils down to Sunday morning church attendance, how many
ďscholarsĒ who spent all their time deriding, correcting and insulting
Holy Writ end up bringing the very thing they despised to church with
them? What hypocrites! They should be held accountable for their
blatant hypocrisy! Will they add insult to injury about the Bible I
hold so dear and then turn around and bring MY Bible to church with them?
How dare they! Let them bring their own!
verse two --
If it is really as bad as they say, with such glaring errors and poor
translation, why arenít they ashamed to be seen with such a literary
catastrophe? Have they gone to the point that they can no longer even
verse three --
One would expect them to carry only what they considered to be the best,
but since they stoop to carry such a poorly translated book with them,
have they made sure to correct it? What a terrible thing to be held
accountable for on the day of judgment if they knew the correct wording
and didnít put it down! Someone else happening to get a hold of it
could be led astray into error and falsehood! Such lovely scholars are
beginning to look like cruel devils!
verse four --
Certainly a scholar who spends all his time bragging about ancient
languages, manuscripts, papyri, parchments and caves should be expected
to bring with him some dusty, moth-eaten, thousand-year-old document with
him to church! But of all things, he brings a brand new copy of MY
Bible, and in English of all things! Iím extremely offended! Donít tell
me older is better and then bring one of mine with you to worship the
Lord -- or Iíll laugh at you and call you the English equivalent of the
ancient Greek word for ďHypocriteĒ!
verse five --
While heís at it, the Fundamentalist should carry scissors and white-out
with him while carrying My Bible, so he can leave it in a better state
than it was when he found it! That should only be fair and reasonable if
he really wants to help people and save souls! He is in the business of
helping people -- right?
verse six --
To carry my Bible without a clear disclaimer inside explaining itís
weakness, inferiority and a suggestion for the reader to learn all the
dead languages Bible people ever spoke -- is a very dangerous thing!
Really, one could actually pick it up and believe it without reservation!
Such a man who fails to include a warning not to believe it all -- I
would have to consider a deceiver.
verse seven --
From now on, I donít want any Fundamentalist who swears by the original
autographs to dare to bring anything else with him to church! No copies,
you hypocrites! No copies of Greek or Hebrew either! Donít you dare
bring a Bible to church with you that has any errors! Bring what you
swear by, or -- you know where to go!
If only these brilliant scholars who correct my Bible would simply write
down what they know! If they would finally come out with a Bible that
needs no correction or improvement -- the world would finally have the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!
So help me God!